"Suffering occurs when we expect others to love us the way we want." - Paulo Coelho
Today I will detail how we can consciously and healthily manage stage II, namely the “power struggle”. This stage can occur a few months after the beginning of the relationship or after years, especially in moments of transition: moving in together, marriage, the birth of a child, career changes, etc. The power struggle becomes inevitable when: personal and partner limits are tested, a balance is sought between autonomy and intimacy, and roles in the relationship are defined (who decides, who gives in, who supports).
Power struggles don't always look like open conflict. They often manifest in subtle ways: irony and sarcasm disguised as jokes, unilateral decisions presented as "compromises," emotional withdrawal as a form of punishment, the need to always be right, competitiveness instead of cooperation.
In its more obvious forms, power struggles can degenerate into repeated arguments, blame, emotional blackmail, and even verbal abuse.
Is power struggles a bad thing? Not necessarily. If managed consciously and constructively, power struggles can lead to a more mature, balanced relationship. They can be an opportunity to:
- self-knowledge: we discover our own fears, needs and relationship patterns,
- deep knowledge of the partner: we see who they really are, beyond initial projections,
- establishing healthy rules of communication and decision-making,
- creating a space where both people feel heard and respected.
How do we manage this stage healthily?
~ Acknowledge what is happening. The first step is to realize that what you are experiencing is not necessarily a relationship crisis, but a natural stage. Instead of running away or reacting aggressively, stop and observe the dynamics.
~ Authentic communication. Discuss what you feel openly, without accusations. Replace "You never..." with "I feel like...". Owning your own emotions is essential.
~ Accepting differences. We are not the same. Expecting your partner to think and react exactly like you is unrealistic. Differences are not dangers, but opportunities for complementarity.
~ Set boundaries and respect them. Sometimes, power struggles arise because there are no clear boundaries. Who is responsible for what? What is acceptable and what is not?
~ Giving up total control. Healthy relationships are not about who dominates whom, but how we build a balance together. Shared power is stronger than absolute power.
~Get help if you need it. A couples therapist can be a huge help at this stage. A neutral third person can facilitate the dialogue and identify invisible blockages within the relationship.
When does a power struggle become dangerous?
Although it is a normal stage, a power struggle can become toxic when:
~ it is constantly repeated, without progress,
~ it is marked by psychological, emotional or physical abuse,
~ one of the partners completely dominates the relationship, canceling out the other,
~ compromises are only on one side.
In these cases, we are no longer talking about a stage of maturation, but about an unbalanced and possibly abusive relationship.
The struggle for power is an inevitable and even necessary stage in the evolution of an authentic relationship. It is not easy, but it is not avoidable either. When experienced with empathy, awareness and a desire to grow, this stage can be the beginning of a stronger, more mature and more sincere bond. Power does not mean control, but the ability to build together. True power in a relationship does not come from dominance, but from assumed vulnerability and cooperation.
